Tuesday, May 23, 2017

To Have...and to Have Not

Have you ever had one of those days where things just keep coming at you? I feel like the last 4 and a half years had been like that. I'm sorry for disappearing. I tried to reinvent myself over and over again, but I have returned to here. To this version of me. The truest version of me. I am so tired of being afraid of everything. I don't want that life for me. I don't want that life for my son. 

Yes, I have a son. Gabriel. He is my salvation, my saving grace. Having him has given my life a new meaning. I have better reasons to get in shape than to look a certain way. I need to be happy with myself, with my body, and with my choices I have made.

As I lay here, watching Bacall and Bogart fall in love, I think of how years ago I lay in an apartment of my own with a man who never feared showing his love for me. I learned "am I blue" for him, and sang it while I cooked. I know I did not pick this movie by accident. I saw this man today. I see him often, but I cannot talk to him, or look at him for too long without feeling that familiar tinge of regret and heartache. This man loved me, and I threw it away. By the time I wanted to take it back it was too late, and his hate for me had grown and festered into utter loathing. Years have passed, I do not know that his hate is still as bad as it once was, but I don't have any occasion to check otherwise. 

Are any of you still friends for exes? How do you even do it? The man I am with now is friends with everyone. I don't know how he does it. 

I miss having someone to talk about old movies with. To help educate me on comics, and push me to better myself. I feel like I have no one. Only Gabriel. He can't tell me what I need to be, but he pushes me to make sure he will have the life that he deserves. So that maybe, just maybe, he won't make the same mistakes that I have. 

Lauren Bacall has said before that although she lost Bogart while she was still young, and she remarried, she is still up front about how Humphrey Bogart was and still is the love of her life. She even made sure her new husband knew this. Is there even such thing as that level of love anymore? Where you have no doubts that you will never find another. That no matter how much time passes, you won't fall the way you did once. Could it be true that everyone has one true love. One big love. Is it too late? Have I had mine, am I in mine? Who knows. Lord knows I have no idea.